When helping family members to know how best to interact with your child, We first suggest having an open and honest conversation ahead of time and not with the child around. This way you can be really honest and share the things that you'd like without worrying about your child overhearing you or having anything that could be disrespectful or difficult for your child to hear. When explaining, start with this metaphor of an iceberg. Think about the top of the iceberg is the behaviors that your child might display that could be confusing. They're not clearly understood to your family member. It might be that they don't want to look you in the eye. They have some repetitive behaviors or can sometimes have a meltdown. But these behaviors are just the tip of the iceberg and what's underneath is really your child's experience of the world and their internal experience that might be more challenging for them. So, it might be how they are processing the world around them, difficulties with motor planning or emotional regulation. And those struggles are manifested in the behaviors that we see.  

Understanding that would be really important for family members when they are going to be interacting with your child.  Answer some of these basic questions: 
What are the best ways to interact with my child and what are some things that you should avoid doing? 

Some examples might be “My daughter Amanda is really sensitive to noises and can be really anxious in new places. So, when Amanda and I arrive at your house, she's probably going to stay close to my leg and she might need to go into a quiet room and just get adjusted to the environment before she's ready to join the play date.  

If you're going to a family members for a holiday dinner, something like “Carter may be a picky eater and only eats a few foods. This is something we're working on with his therapist when he comes to Thanksgiving dinner. It's likely that he might not eat the things that you're making. This isn't because he's being rude or that we don't like your cooking, but this is just something that's hard for him and I may bring some foods that I know he'll eat. I hope that's OK with you.” 

 
Another example is if your child is sensitive to touch and doesn't enjoy hugs or physical affection. So, a way that you could approach this would be having a conversation like this. “Johnny is really sensitive to touch and doesn't enjoy hugs from you or his grandparent. And this isn't because he doesn't love you, but it is really difficult for him. We'd appreciate it if we could give a high 5 or a fist bump as a way to say hello.”  

Having these kinds of conversations ahead of time will be a way to help those social gatherings, family events go more smoothly. 

 
Another example would be if your child is nonverbal or has emerging communication skills, it might be important to explain how your child communicates so that they can be more likely to respond in the best way possible. Something like “Emma only has a few words right now, and she mainly communicates by taking people by the hand or pointing. She may come over to you and take you somewhere or nudge you. This is usually her way of telling you that she wants or she needs something. If you're not really sure what she's asking, just let me know and I can help you to try and 
figure out what she's trying to tell us.” 

We hope this approach and examples help you and your family better enjoy family gatherings. 

A summary of tips on ways to communicate with extended family members on interacting with your autistic child: 

Have an Open Conversation: Discuss your child's needs and sensitivities with family members ahead of time, without the child present, to ensure honest communication. 

Use the Iceberg Metaphor: Explain that visible behaviors are just the tip of the iceberg, and underneath are the child's experiences and challenges. 

Share information on sensitivities: Share specific examples, such as sensitivity to noise or touch, and suggest alternative ways to interact, like giving a high five instead of a hug. 

Prepare for New Environments: Inform family members that your child might need time to adjust to new places and may prefer staying close to you initially. 

Explain Communication Methods: If your child is nonverbal or has emerging communication skills, explain how they communicate, such as pointing or taking someone by the hand. 

Share About Eating Habits: If your child is a picky eater, let family members know that it's not about being rude but a challenge they are working on with a therapist. 

These tips can help family gatherings and social events go more smoothly by ensuring everyone understands and respects your child's needs.